May 31, 2005

NBA GETTING READY TO MOVE NEXT DOOR TO NHL IN STUPID TOWN

      There’s a region somewhere in the Midwestern United States called Moron County, and smack dab in the middle of it is a town called Stupid.  Now this town is similar to a lot of towns around the world—one that might be close to where you live—but what sets this town apart is that it is the present day home to the biggest idiots in North American sports.  There is an entire section of town, newly developed, which houses on one side of the street people like Mike Tyson and Kellen Winslow Jr (isn’t his hall-of-fame dad just bursting with pride).  On the other side is home to the entire labour negotiating committee from the NHL.  They had already put down payments on homes back in 1994 but officially moved in last year.  Now comes word that a similar group from the NBA may be moving to town sometime in the fall.

       Stupid town’s first mayor, George Bush Sr. had originally bought the land for himself, his son, and his close business friends from Saudi Arabia in the late eighties, but word leaked out that the land was cheap and fertile and the expectations for citizenry were severely limited.  The early nineties saw an onslaught of sports figures move in and, under an avalanche of suspicious business dealings, move Bush Sr out.  New mayor, Bowie Kuhn, quickly pardoned the outgoing mayor and set about establishing himself as a lifetime holder of the office.  He held the post for just under one year—he forgot to officially list himself as a candidate in the next general election and watched from the corner 7-11 as Bud Selig won the election by a single vote over Gary Bettman.  Selig continues to hold the post to this day but advance word is that Bettman is a shoo-in to win the mayoralty race this fall.  Bettman’s continued stupidity over the past two years has endeared him to the townsfolk.

       The fall election could see a number of new electoral voters though as the NBA labour negotiating committee is threatening to make the same stupid mistakes made by the NHL.  This has made the townsfolk proud and anxious to welcome these new idiots to their town.  The anticipation of another lockout that could severely damage the good will, and the financial stability of another sports league, has made the NHL nervous.  They have had the run of the town since moving in and are not willing to subjugate their lofty status in town to the supposed flavour of the month.  The NBA, for their part, are ignoring all the problems the NHL lockout has created and believe that a negotiating impasse makes the best possible business sense.   

      The citizens of Stupid continue to have a sense of fulfillment whenever they hear news of a possible basketball lockout.  Sports figures are always welcome down in Stupid and the way this year is setting up the town could just about fill its allotment of new citizens much earlier than expected. (There had to be a limit instituted on the number of new inhabitants or the town would have overflowed years ago).  Stay tuned for the further adventures from Stupid town.